How to Care for Yourself on a Family Visit; the Internal Family Systems Way
So…you’re getting ready to spend time with your family or they’re going to visit you. You can feel the tension building within. What’s happening?
For many people visiting family can feel stressful due to unhealthy family dynamics, past hurts and abuse, emotionally immature parents, sibling rivalries, etc.
You may not only be visiting with family, you’ll more than likely be revisiting your younger selves and the role you played in the family. Were you the rescuer, the “good one”, caretaker, responsible one, peacekeeper, listener, rule follower, rebel, sarcastic one, contrarian, escapee? How did you respond to stressors or trauma in your childhood/teen years? Did you stay away from home, engage in conflict, hide/stay quiet or people please? These are the nervous system responses of flight, fight, freeze, or appeasement (fawn).
Stepping back into these roles can be exhausting and your nervous system can get activated as parts of you come forward to protect you by: letting you feel in your body and emotions. You may experience physical symptoms such as jaw tightness, stomach aches, digestive issues, headaches etc. It doesn’t’ have to be this way!
If you’ve become aware of unhealthy patterns in your family and you’ve gained some self awareness, this can make going home or visiting even more challenging because now you know. And you can’t un-know.
You may have younger parts of you that want them to understand you or wake up to the lack of connection you so clearly feel and see. You may have parts of you that long to be seen, heard, and known and they’re holding out for something that may not happen with them.
However, it can happen - with you.
It’s time for you to take care of you by creating a plan for all the parts of you that feel activated about visiting with family.
Create a Plan
In order to navigate a family visit (if this is difficult for you) is to plan ahead.
Here are ideas to include in a family visit plan:
1) Identify and know your triggers before you visit. What bothers you the most? Write it out; when this happens or this person says this I feel _____________. This can give voice to parts of you that have felt wounded in the past. With acknowledgement, these parts can go along with you on the visit and they don’t have to lead. You can.
2) Time to access your Self, Soul, wisest self, higher self, inner witness…whatever feels comfortable for you to name this energy. This is the energy of being able to step back and notice what’s happening in your inner and outer world with neutrality and no agenda. This is the “noticer” inside of you.
3) Decide what boundaries you need to set ahead of time such as; subjects you don’t want to discuss, comments about appearance, your lifestyle, criticisms that are hurtful. A simple statement of “that’s not ok” can take care or your younger parts. If this feels very difficult to say simply don’t respond. Let it hang in the air. and allow the person to be responsible (or not) for what they said.
4) Go over expectations with family before the visit especially about time spent.
5) Spend time away by taking breaks by visiting old friends, running errands/shopping, scheduling a work call, trying out a new coffee shop, go for a walk, call a friend/partner. Maybe you need a new toothbrush! Head to the drugstore or make a Target run.
6) If conversation activates parts of you can:
· Change the subject.
· Get up, get some water, go to the restroom, return a call.
· Either speak your truth for your parts for example: “when you bring up this subject, it makes me feel anxious. Can we talk about something else?” Whatever the old dynamic is you can name it, say how you feel, and request change. If it’s not honored, name that and ask the family member what’s difficult for them about your request?
7) If someone says; “you’re to sensitive” you can respond with a quick “thank you!”. This statement is coming from a place of feeling uncomfortable with your emotions, or their own. Your responsibility is to take care of your parts that feel. Advocate for them where you can. I’ve used this many times and sometimes follow up with “thank you, I’m very intuitive and know myself pretty well.”
8) If you do get triggered and angry or your inner teenager shows up with some sarcastic eye rolling response, offer yourself and parts some compassion. Going back into a family systems for many people is a minefield and you can get right back into old dynamic pretty darn quick - even if you know what you’re heading into.
· Here’s a caveat, and it’s a big one, you cannot expect your family member to change. Your younger parts might long for them to see , hear, and understand you, or even apologize. Holding onto this expectation if you’ve tried in the past, keeps your younger parts in constant suffering.
It’s up to you now to care for these younger parts by putting a plan in place AND letting them you that YOU will care for them going forward.
Keep doing your healing work.
It makes a difference energetically to your family and extended family even when you don’t see outer results. Your healing helps you and adds to the collective healing of the world.
